Five Ways in which F.R.I.E.N.D.S. shaped me as a person
As a non-American, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was sort of my first connection to the Western world. I was introduced to it very early on, as I was browsing through channels on our TV. As 90’s kid, I didn’t have an internet connection until I was at least 12 (that too, not a very good one). The very first episode I laid eyes on was The One with the Cousin. I didn’t understand any of the jokes, but found myself cracking up at almost everyone’s reaction to Denise Richards putting her hair down.
As I grew into my teens, I bought DVDs (yes, I’m old) and binged through all of the seasons. Over, and over, and over again. A lot of the criticism I hear about F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is about how it’s really NOT funny. That, in absence of a laugh track, it’s just meh.
Um, no. I disagree. Might be because I’m simplistic. Might be because I’m old and not sophisticated enough to understand real humor, but, I don’t care. No show, and I repeat. NO. SHOW, has as many jokes per minute as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. does. Also, no show ages THAT well. Season 9? One of the best seasons ever, with back-to-back gems like The One with the Male Nanny and The One with Ross’s Inappropriate Song.
Additionally, which show teaches you about life whilst making you laugh hysterically without being preachy about it?
How I Met Your Mother? Tries to be deep through voiceovers.
Scrubs? Tries to be deep through voiceovers and the mean doctor.
Community? Tries to be deep through monologues.
We done?
Don’t get me wrong — all of these shows are great. They’re successful in their ability to evoke emotion and impart life lessons. But they’re also explicitly TRYING to. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is not. But it uplifts you nonetheless.
Behold, are the subtle but profound life lessons F.R.I.E.N.D.S. teaches us all:
- Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, but THIS is for life:
In The One With All The Cheesecakes, Joey ditches dinner plans with Phoebe because an unofficial rule allows him to cancel on friends if an opportunity for sex arises. Phoebe, in all her savagery, rejects this rule, and says the following line, which may as well be the central thesis of the show:
This does not mean that F.R.I.E.N.D.S. does not value romantic relationships. Later in this episode, Phoebe is seen to not follow her own advice, when David, the one guy she’d ever been crazy about (up until that point), shows up on another night when she and Joey have plans.
What the quote basically implies is, relationships can be uncertain. For a multitude of reasons, they can just, stop working. Friendships are for the ages, IF you don’t take them for granted. It is far more likely that a friendship breaks apart because two people drift away due to lack of communication than because of the various factors determining the success of a relationship. Hence, the least you could do, to keep this relatively simple bond alive in your life, is show up. Be there for your friend when they need you, and when you promised them you would be present. Cherish it. Nurture it through regular checking up and make sure you don’t lose touch.
2. Just be a friend, be supportive:
In The One with the Cat, Phoebe finds a cat and believes it to be the “reincarnated spirit” of her late, adoptive mother. The friends discover flyers indicating that the cat has been missing from its owner. While everyone else does not want to risk breaking Phoebe’s heart, Ross, appalled by her belief that a cat could be embodying her mother’s soul, takes the plunge, only to be schooled by the queen of savage lines.
This quote screams acceptance to me. While there are counter arguments to be made, such as, you shouldn’t be supportive when your friends are wrong, when it’s not hurting anyone, you can afford to be respectful of their choices and beliefs.
In this case, yeah, of course, Phoebe was keeping a cat belonging to someone else. Ross was right to point out that fact to Phoebe, which does cause her to give the cat back. But he does step back from commenting on her beliefs once she makes him realize he’s being judgmental.
Not. being. judgmental. A philosophy I at least would not have come to understand that early on in life had it not been for this amazing show.
3. There are no unselfish good deeds:
In The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, Joey is about to go on a telethon which is raising money for a cause. Joey is thrilled about the job because it gives him exposure whilst allowing him the opportunity to perform a good deed. Phoebe points out that Joey is just interested in getting on TV, which makes his deed selfish. Joey argues that there are no selfless good deeds, because all good deeds make the person who does them feel better about themselves. While Phoebe believes that she has outsmarted Joey at the end of the episode, she soon realizes that Joey was indeed, right.
And he is. There actually are no good deeds that don’t make you feel like a slightly better person than you think of yourself in other, non-altruistic moments. The “good feeling” gives you validation if you believe you’re a good person, and a sense redemption if you believe you’re not. Either way, it’s a win-win situation, for YOU, as well as the people benefitting from your goodwill. Hence, no, not unselfish. Positive feelings about yourself promote self-image and improve your overall mental health. So yep, looks like Joey really is more than “a piece of meat”.
4. Love wins:
Every time I have to hear about how F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is supposedly homophobic I am obliged to point out, that it was amongst the ONLY shows in the 90’s to feature a same-sex wedding. In fact, it was the second one after Roseanne. A wedding catered by Monica and celebrated by every one of the friends, including Ross, despite him being left behind once Carol realizes her true sexuality. In fact, he is the one that convinces Carol to go forward with the wedding when she is conflicted because of her parents’ disapproval. Now, is that acceptance? Or does everything go out of the window because the dead old woman possessing Phoebe goes “NOW I’ve seen everything!” once they’re pronounced “wife and wife”?
Does context matter anymore? Because I feel like it doesn’t.
Back in the 2000’s, I would not even know about LGBT rights if it wasn’t for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Sure, they cracked a few jokes that could seem homophobic, what with Chandler’s discomfort with being assumed gay. Is it a sin to not be wanted to be confused as something you’re not? He’s straight. Him being thought of as gay nullifies his prospects with women. Is that something he’s allowed to be bothered by? Is he allowed to want human companionship?
Also, the show came out in the 90’s. How much acceptance was there regarding LGBT rights at the moment? Majority of shows depicted gay characters as evil. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. did not. Carol and Susan were portrayed as loving, warm, everyday people. Responsible parents. And yet, YET, the flack for not being pro-LGBT.
5. Life is messed up, some things remain unresolved, but you’ll be okay:
Except Joey, each character in the show has unresolved trauma. Phoebe and Chandler have their entire childhoods, Rachel has her parents’ divorce and fear for her father, Monica has her mommy-issues, and Ross has daddy ones.
Each of these experiences has long-lasting impacts. Phoebe is flaky and too much of a free spirit to hold on to any relationship until she finds Mike. Chandler has sarcasm as his defense mechanism. Rachel unknowingly seeks her father’s approval for her life choices (as evidenced by her joy at discovering that her father considers her “the only daughter he is proud of”, and her fear in revealing that she was going to be an unwed mother). Monica again, is terrified of her mom, whilst secretly seeking her approval. She’s also resentful of them for their preference of Ross over her. Ross is uncomfortable witnessing sensitive men because it reminds him of his childhood.
Are any of these fully resolved?
Well, Phoebe does find the “normal” she desires.
Aside from that?
No. Because that is how life is.
Each of us are traumatized in some way or the other. Each of us survive, through our own ways.
Critics bring up this point to argue that there is no character development in the show. Sure. But when you’ve lived around 30 years of your life a certain way, how much CAN you change, and how much do you NEED to, if you’re not a complete asshole?
The core theme of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is acceptance. If you’re an okay human being with a few scars that causes you to act cuckoo, hyperactive, mildly insensitive and distant sometimes, there’s a place for you in this group of six. It loves you for who you are, and is the one place where you will not be bombarded with judgment.
