How a multi-step endeavor pulled me out of inertia
This is a follow up to my shoddy attempt at a comic called “Self Destruction 101”.
From my early twenties, the word “nerd” has been thrown at me from time to time. I’ve always replied with a “I wish”. I’ve been perceived as, at the very least, “smart”, with people predicting I’ll work for the “central bank” of my country, or the UN (still a dream, by the way).
My inner core knew otherwise. I had no idea why I was sometimes getting better marks than my peers in the first three years of my undergraduate study. I worked hard enough (which, in my coursework often meant “memorized”), but I never felt confident in my answers. I felt I always left some key information out. But then the results would come in and whaaat do you know, I did just fine. This led to an eternal skepticism in my words every time I said “The test didn’t go so well”. People believed I worked my ass off (I didn’t), or, didn’t even need to, because you know, I’m that smart.
I knew I wasn’t. Oh, how I knew I wasn’t. And thus began my imposter syndrome. While other people would kinda sorta just live with it, or, try to lift themselves up so that what you are in real life somewhat mirrors what others see in you, I did the opposite.
I began failing, ’cause that’s a lot easier.
#Shortcutqueen
What did that accomplish, you ask?
Well, my outer and inner self were in alignment, thank you.
What else?
A self-destruction loop.
Three years of feeling severely lethargic and useless. Being stuck in this state of inertia where I couldn’t do anything. Being frustrated about my lack of initiatives, thinking about starting something, remembering how much effort would be required and giving up, and then moping about how my “ideas” remain just that.
It was only after this spiral cost me a relationship that I realized I needed to make a change.
So I decided to pursue a second Masters degree in the US.
Here’s how it goes for an international graduate applicant for US universities:
1) You prepare for the Graduate Record Examinations (GRE), which requires you to study mathematics and English.
2) You prepare for an English Proficiency Exam such as the IELTS, TOEFL, etc.
3) You search universities and programs that you might be interested in.
4) You write a statement of purpose, and other essays as required by the programs you’re applying to.
5) You get accepted, and begin filling up a bunch of forms that suck the life out of you.
6) You give a visa interview.
7) If rejected, boohoo, try again. But if accepted, Bon Voyage!
There are other steps depending on which discipline you’re from and whether you need funding. This is basically what an average student goes through, and, as you can see, this is still a long list of things to do.
Which is why, it was perfect.
I had become accustomed to this idea that I couldn’t do anything, and had the tendency to give up before I even started. I knew this would not be an easy task, would involve a lot of little milestones, full of opportunities for me to give up. The idea was to just keep checking the boxes, each time. To keep “doing” things, and these would going forward serve as evidences that I “can”.
And, it worked.
I was able to hold myself together for that next step, every time, and, I’m all the way through Step 5. Step 6 is scheduled, and I have to do everything in my power to snag that visa and set sail. I have to stay calm and prepare answers for the interview. Writing about this is giving me anxiety, so, Imma stop, or, I might press that self-destruct button again.
I definitely still have tough times and take every optional task that comes my way with a grain of salt. I don’t quite believe I’ll do it until I do it. But, at least there’s proof now that, it‘s not impossible. It’s all about baby steps and motivating yourself towards the next, and then the next.
