Moving on from your soulmate and finding yourself
First and foremost, I don’t believe in soulmates. “Destiny” in general.
Despite being narcissistic, I don’t consider myself important enough to have been “planned” for. I think of life as a chronology of coincidences. You go left, or right, do something, or the other, and the dominoes fall. The “something” or the “other” makes a difference, for sure, but what you do or where you go is more of a coin toss than divine intervention. It wasn’t meant to be — it was mere chance, or “luck”. Luck is statistics. It’s probability. But “fate”, well, that’s for Hollywood to sell tickets.
I for one do not believe I am, or we’re all, “special”, or that “the one” exists. No wonderwall, no twin flame, no “true” love. We live out our meaningless lives, try to give it as much color as possible, and then we die. Nihilism or realism, it’s just what I believe.
However, if there was one person who could fit the mold of that Hollywood trope, I’ve met him, and lost him. He’s gone forever. Entropy rose. We fell apart as we knew most things do.
Regardless, he was a good one. I loved him possibly more than I’ll ever love anybody else. If I had to put a finger on what made that relationship so special…I don’t even know. I don’t think about the details. They hurt too much.
We were supposed to be each other’s kites. Draw each other in. Instead, and what was perhaps always more likely, we cut each other. Or, I did. I crossed him in the same way I always do.
I loved too much.
It was his loss that made me realize the fatalities of my ways. Making him, and another before him, the center of my universe, I let my relationships dictate my life. I prioritized my partners above all else, to the extent that having a career, a life of my own, separate from them, did not seem important. And I selfishly expected that they do the same. I pulled them back from their hobbies, interests, and friends. They pulled away as a result. Who wouldn’t? It was too much pressure. I gave more than I logically should have given. Nothing they did in comparison could ever match up.
It was losing him that told me I needed to stop putting my life on the back burner if I wanted to have any semblance of a working relationship at some point in my life. That I had to put myself first. Become my own person. Create love or at least some form of “like” for the person that I was. Even a hint of self-love could go a long way to stop constantly seeking it from other places.
Of course, unlike movies, not everything goes perfect. I can’t handle heartbreaks — so, I jump from one relationship to the next. I did exactly that, and guess what, this time, it actually seems to be working.
Why? Because my life never revolved around this new person. We’re great. We have affection. Genuine care. Despite being long distance, we make quality time for each other. But do I feel THAT love for him? That “movie” love? No. Should I? I highly doubt it. I yearn for his company and feel badly on days I have very little time with him. But I don’t compromise other aspects of my life just to be with him for one extra second. THAT is the difference.
And it wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t HAVE other aspects of my life that I felt were important. I made sure to create them. To find something of value and pursue it, even if it means jumping through several hoops along the way. Especially then.
I had to accomplish something that was worth holding on to. Something difficult to attain, and excruciating to sustain, is hard to be nonchalant about. Knowing that just “getting by” wouldn’t be good enough, and would, in fact, transport you back to square one, suppresses your inner tendencies to just dissolve into Hopeless Romantic mode and let your life take a back seat.
My key takeaway in all of this would be, you have to find what you value. What has the potential to make you feel better about yourself. And you have to go for it and keep at it. That is the building block of self-esteem. And if you have that, you can hold on to any relationship. Your insecurities will not get in the way. Because you believe the other parts of your life are worth fighting for, you will only push the other person to strive to do the same. Together, you will lift each other up, instead of being each other’s downfall. You can have a healthy, loving relationship.
I acknowledge that Hollywood is immensely powerful in promoting its poisonous concepts. Almost three years, my complete revamp as a person, but the sinking feeling, the idea, that I’ve lost that “one” person in my life that was “supposed” to be mine, lingers. And it’s okay. It’s made me who I am now. It’s enabled me to look at myself in a better light. I am saner, less impulsive, even sort of “structured”. Of course, I am also a ticking time bomb, anxiously dreading the day I self-destruct.
But, I would like to believe, I just need time. Time, and self-growth. One day, he will be a distant memory. What will remain is me — different, but hopefully, stable. No sting every time he comes to my mind. Just, happy, and thankful for my life experiences.
