Opinion: Aziz Ansari: Clueless? Maybe. Guilty? Hell yes.
Just about a week back, an article popped up on a feminist website, implicating Aziz Ansari, lovable comedian, actor, director, and recent Golden Globe winner, of sexual misconduct.
It cites a woman called Grace, a pseudonym used for privacy reasons, who had an unpleasant evening with Aziz, to say the least.
For those of you unaware of the events that transpired that very evening, here’s how it all plays out:
She notices him at the Emmy’s. Tries to talk to him. He brushes her off at first, but later talks to her. They end up exchanging numbers. He texts her. She texts back. There’s flirting and banter for a while, until he finally asks her out. She accepts, meets him at his apartment for their date. They get out and walk to a restaurant, sit and have a meal. He seems eager to leave, evidenced by how he quickly he asks for the check (Grace remembers still having wine in her glass when he does that). Within minutes, they’re out of there and back to his apartment. She compliments his kitchen counter tops, and that is where it all begins.
He goes, “ How about you hop up and take a seat?” She obliges. Few minutes later, he’s kissing her, and shortly afterwards, he mentions that he’s just going to grab a condom real quick.
This is the first time where Grace expresses her desire to take things slow, as she states her surprise at the statement (“Woah”) and suggests that they “relax” and “chill” for some time.
But Aziz wouldn’t budge. Keeps kissing, and more.
In the article cited, Grace states that she was thoroughly uncomfortable throughout the whole encounter and kept giving him nonverbal cues which he either did not notice, or simply ignored.
For one, she kept pulling away.
Tried to mumble her discomfort or unwillingness.
Moved her hand away from his nether region EVERY.TIME. he tried to get her to touch him.
Froze while kissing.
Does not seem like good enough clues?
If a woman doesn’t like it, doesn’t want it, she should just say so?
Well, she does.
As the suckfest and poke-fest continues (pardon my French), he keeps asking her, WHERE she would like to have sex. Notice how he asks her a question that just assumes, they are going to be doing it. It doesn’t ask, if she would want to, or, should he, or if it’s something she’d want. Because, how could she not? She’s been enjoying their foreplay so much that her entire body’s gone numb.
This is the second time Grace expresses her desire to take things slow, as she answers the question with a simple “next time”. He takes it rather playfully. She excuses herself to the bathroom shortly afterwards.
When she comes back, Aziz asks her if everything was okay.
This is the third time Grace expresses her desire to take things slow. She explicitly mentions that she does not “want to feel forced”. Aziz seems to understand, and suggests they watch some television.
Rest of the evening has them cuddling as they watch a feel-good movie about penguins. They walk to the balcony around midnight and gaze at shooting stars and night rainbows. The end.
Except, no.
While they’re watching TV, he asks for oral sex.
This is where it gets tricky.
She obliges.
“I guess I just felt pressured”, she mentions in the article cited.
Next, he makes out with her again and resumes touching her in places. Leads her to another part of the room. Takes her in front of a mirror. Bends her down and asks her again, WHERE, she would like to have sex.
This is the fourth time Grace expresses her desire to take things slow. She explicitly says she does not want to do it.
Aziz seems to understand. Suggests they watch television, this time with their clothes on.
Fully dressed, they head back to that very couch they’d been sitting on moments before. He makes it up to her by giving her a foot massage and braiding her hair and covering her with a blanket as she falls asleep. End of story.
Except no.
He kisses her, touches her, and tries to undo her pants.
This is the fifth time Grace expresses her desire to take things slow, in that that she totally closes down. She turns her back to him. Expresses her disappointment. She turns back to say something, and is met with forceful kisses. Angered (an understatement, to say the least), she gets up to call a car. He forces his lips on her, AGAIN. She pulls away, and this is when he FINALLY takes notice of her irritation. He insists that he call her the car. He does. She leaves. The following day, he texts her it was fun meeting her. She texts back that she was uncomfortable. He apologizes.
End of story.
Now, I’ve been debating my friends back and forth, reading articles, opinion pieces, pretty much spending a whole lot of time on one particular question.
Was he, or was he not, guilty.
Some of my friends pointed out that, he could’ve very easily not noticed any of her nonverbal cues. After all, Grace herself thinks that her nonverbal cues were not “noticed at all” and if they were, they were ignored.
They also point out that, it could just be that he assumed sex was off the table when she says she doesn’t want to feel forced, but since he did not AT ALL notice any of her nonverbal cues, thinks she’s into other stuff. Thereby, he doesn’t think it is out of line to ask her for oral sex during their time of “chilling”. He thinks “Okay, let’s just do other things. She doesn’t mind with other stuff, we’ve been doing that stuff for the whole evening. And if one thing leads to another, then, so be it.”
To them, I had one question.
Do people turn psychedelic during sexual encounters?
Do their brain functions stop working or something?
I think not.
Unless you truly are hammered.
Nothing of that sort was mentioned in the article or Aziz’s statement regarding the article or anywhere in the internet.
Is it really possible, to be horny enough, to not notice that the other person is pulling away, moving their hand away, NOT kissing you back?
And even if, hypothetically, it IS so, what better is there than the word of mouth?
There have been five instances of Grace verbally expressing her unwillingness — the first four about having sex; the last one simply about being undressed by Aziz.
Five instances. And while you may say the first two were not clear enough, her saying she does not want to feel forced, followed by him asking for oral sex is not something that plays out in a guy’s case who super cares about your comfort.
You might say, why did she do it.
To that I say, it happens.
It happens out of sheer anger, that, “Are you serious? Are you even listening to me? I JUST told you I do NOT want to feel forced.”
It happens out of what she had just told him she did not want to be experiencing. “Force.” “Pressure”. Irritation, and self-blame that she’d gotten herself this far.
It happens out of helplessness. A persistent guy who does NOT back off. No matter HOW many times you’ve tried to let him know that you’re just not feeling it at the moment. You’re not even sure he cares. Ah, heck it. What does it even matter anyways?
You do it, hate every moment of it. You’re irritated and angered. But you do it, nonetheless.
Didn’t say no.
Her mistake.
Get it.
But, really not an uncommon situation.
It happens.
Now the question is, whether or not, it was an assault.
Let’s look at the definition, shall we?
Now, I think the fact that there was no consent leaves us with a no-brainer answer. Yes, by all means, it was an assault, and whether or not Aziz meant it to be is irrelevant.
Can you really measure consent? No. Is it a flawed system privy to abuse? Maybe. But it is also helpful in many cases of violence which would not have found justice otherwise, such as marital rape.
But let’s look at the evidence for a second.
Does she say no?
Five times.
First time — Aziz continues. Second time — Aziz pours her a glass of wine and does not take her seriously. Third time, briefly stops, then continues. Fourth time, briefly stops, then continues. Fifth time, continues.
You might say it wasn’t clear to him if she was just saying no to sex, or the whole lot, and hence, kept it going. Because he’d apparently missed out on all clues given off by a living, breathing, moving human body.
To them, I say, really?
There has been another argument. And it’s this.
Maybe he thought, “She might not want it now, but if I keep going on, who knows”.
If so, then well, he is, without a shadow of a doubt, in the wrong.
Because, by “going on” and hoping that she’ll give consent at some point, you are disrespecting the very fact that she’s not consenting AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Going against consent — aka, assault.
And, trying to influence her mind and body — aka, coercion.
He might just be a dum-dum who didn’t think any of it through and felt it was “normal” to try to throw oneself against another until they finally let up — doesn’t change the fact that, A. It’s trying to pressure someone into acts they’re not comfortable with, and B. It’s going against someone’s will after they’d specifically mentioned they’re uncomfortable, five times, and C. It does not always mean consent if someone just lets you have sex.
I’m not saying he’s a monster who finds pleasure in the discomfort of others and MEANT to pressure her with the intention of pressuring her.
But did he pressure her? Yes he did.
Did he want to influence her mind and body? Very probable, given just how persistent he was. Which is a form of coercion.
Did he want to assault her? Maybe not.
But did he? Hell yes.
